Trust

I talked to a friend on Friday.

I didn't expect to get anything out of our conversation except the pleasure of talking to her, but despite the topics covered, or perhaps because of it, she taught me something about trust.

You see, for the last month or more my life has been a HOT mess. A quick move, a new job, a lack of support system and nothing but change (in my previously predictable life), had left me quite adrift and emotional.  Trust was NOT something that I had an ample supply of. I "hoped" that things would work out, I prayed for clarity and patience, I tried to rely on the hubbs more.  But looking back, trust was not something that I had...in faith, or in life.

It seems that trust is a more elusive concept than I thought.

During and after my talk with my "little sis" I found that I was lacking in my understanding of trust.  Real wholehearted trust is not a feeling, or an ideal, it is a foundation that you build everything else on. It is what props you up in times of upheaval, and what pushes you to keep going after trauma or disaster. Trust is an acknowledgment and acceptance of the support that we have around us wether we are in a position to "make it work" ourselves, or not.

I am a very self reliant person, and tend to think that my way is the best way, that I "let" people help me, instead of actually "needing" help.  But I think I am missing the point. Trust isn't about letting help come in, or even needing it to come; it's understanding that the choice to let someone in, really and completely in, is humbling your own pride and judgments and allowing the other person to become what THEY are designed to be.

It may be silly, and a little naive, but I believe that God designed each of us to grow and develop into a perfect foil for other people, wether in friendships, marriages, or work relationships. Humans are designed to be mutable, changeable, and many things for many people (mothers, fathers, siblings, cousins, co-workers, friends, and lovers). 

But what happens when in our pride and self-centeredness, we stop someone else from fulfilling a role? 

When we push friends away because "we can handle it". 

Or when we get mad at our spouse for doing something "wrong" and re-do it? 

How does that help the people around us to grow into what they are designed to be?

How is "trust" espoused when our own will is put in a higher position than that of our loved ones?

Trust is a gift to the people around us that our bumbling and tempestuous behavior is accepted. That as we are growing and transitioning we will still be supported and loved for the people we will become, and that the clumsiness of our growth will eventually fill in the spaces of need in our relationships.

Trust is being gracious, childish, angry, soothing, a shoulder to cry on or an ear to someone's frustration. It is also needy, selfish, funny, and a blessing.  Trust is what we are to each other, a whetting stone to sharpen and polish not only ourselves but friends and family and the casual passerby.

Trust is an honest humbling, an acceptance of our own imperfection on a path to perfect design.

Trust is grace in the most human and expressive way - undeserved, unlikely, and transformative.

Just some food for thought.

...Nature girl

Keeping tabs

The distance between me and my friends and family seems to be good for my relationships...weird right?

It seems that the closer you are to a situation or person the more you take it for granted.  In the past few weeks I have realized that I didn't just move away from home, I moved out of that bubble that distorts your perception.  Realizing just how much the people that I was lucky enough to have around me mean is a blessing. Their value has grown by leaps and bounds when I can't just drive to them for coffee.  "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" may not be such a antiquated phrase after all.

The silliest things make me think of the most random people back on the mainland!  Steve has taken to the Passion fruit tea with 2 pumps of sweetener (that's a Mariah drink), and is obsessed with finding a way to get his Angels baseball (Scott, Steve, Mariah and I went to a game together)! We found this little place called Pho 1 ( I think about B&E, Megan and Jill and I at Chinese new year) and there is a store called Simply Organized (that's Jules...the most organized person I know) that I pass every day on my walk home from work.  All these little reminders and a thousand others make me think of my loved ones, and people long gone from my life on a daily basis.

You may say that it's nostalgia and homesickness, but I truly feel that this is a way for me to process the true importance of people in my life.  I have talked to my Dad more in the last four weeks then I did in the six weeks prior to leaving! It's as if removing the nearness and availability of people has let me look at my relationships with a clearer lense.  Seeing which people and relationships are convenient and which are important and valuable.  I am ashamed to say that some people I thought of as convenient are really valuable, and some that I poured effort into were only convenient.

Finding that I have a real overwhelming desire to be everyone's newest and dearest friend was a little bit of a shock.  I always thought that I was thoughtful and deliberate in my friend group and that I was secure enough in myself to be discerning about what I needed in a support system...not so much, well, not as much as I thought.  The great part about this realization is that I know it now; and I can cultivate those relationships that have fundamentally changed me, in a good way, going forward.

That doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly drop people from my life, I care for all my peeps, but I'm going to redirect my energy so that the people I love know it.  People should know how important they are, by word and deed, because everyone should know their value, wether they are near or far.

...Nature girl