Waiting

Waiting is what I feel like I've been doing for an unending amount of time.  Let's just say that it's been a slow day at work. But aside from the lack of people to talk to today, I feel an undercurrent of anticipation lately.

Anticipation and waiting have always been tricky concepts for me, and they are intrinsically linked. Miriam Webster defines anticipation as a feeling of excitement about something that is going to happen, or the act of preparing. One has to anticipate and then wait for the event to occur for resolution.

I have never thought of myself as a naturally patient person. I have learned patience out of necessity, but the idea of knowing something is coming (anticipation) and staying put (waiting) until it happens makes no sense to me... I guess that's why I used to search out my Christmas and birthday presents when I was little.  The process of learning, solving a puzzle, seeing a problem and solving it as quick as I can has always been the preferred path for me.

This move has challenged me and forced me into a place of anticipation.  Nothing is set yet, there is no firmament from where I can push off and go about challenging, solving problems, and indulging my curiosity.  I am waiting. This feeling of waiting for the rest of our lives to unfold like a rolled carpet creates a nervous anticipation that is "itchy" and I'm suppressing the urge to kick the roll to make it all happen faster!

Watching me go through this must be both comical and distressing for my very deliberate husband.  My unending attempts to "nest" in our new apartment, the obsessive habits and hyper focus are almost useless in distracting me from the waiting, but I do it anyway to fill up the time.  Somewhere in my rational mind I know that this anticipation can only last for so long before it is realized, but the patience to get to that point is, right now, in short supply.

And so I wait, unhappily, and with attitude...but I wait.

...Nature girl