Progress

The definition of progress is the movement towards a goal or to a further, higher stage.

Right now I truly feel that I am progressing in my fittness. I have to say, this sucks and it is not easy.  When I started P90X last week, I was uninspired about my ability to stick with the exercise at the pace recommended.  There have even been a few times when I just didn't want to do it at all, throw in the towel and call it quits!  But I made it through the first week and I feel pretty good. I haven't lost a bucket of weight, and I still make horrible food choices (ie. the pizza tonight) but I can feel something changing, and best of all, I'm trying!

I didn't think that just trying to do something would make the difference that it has, but it feels good. I feel willing, and I know that is a little strange, but I am starting to acknowledge that I have within me the ability to change something that I want to.  I didn't realize that I had stopped trying, it is a little strange to think of living a life without trying, but a complacent life is what I feel like I was living. Un-plugged from my own life, I was just going along for the ride, rolling with whatever got thrown at me. A very stressful way to go through life now that I look at it.

Now I'm not saying that exercise has breathed new life into me, but there is lot that it has shown me. When you make a commitment to a person it's easy to just plod along quietly fullfilling it. But when you have to decide, every day, to do something to make your life better it's different! It makes you different. So keep your fingers crossed, it's a three month journey and I'm psyched for new stuff I will  discover about me.

Nature girl

Relief

Today was an awesome day!

It's strange to say that, but it is totally the case.  There have been a lot of things in my life that have been completely out of my control, up in the air stressors.  One of which is that due to some health issues, I have not been able to drive. But today that changed!  I finally got word from the DMV that I am cleared to go back to driving, and I feel so free! No matter that I still have to go and fight my way through the agony that is the DMV office - I just know that, in this regard, things may actually be looking up!

My Professor this year told us that the number one reason for depression is a perceived lack or loss of control.  I kind of brushed it off at the time because I know so many people that struggle with the chemical side of things.  But now that I have sat with the concept for a while, I can see how it would diminish a person's idea of self.

Young or old, we as people pride ourselves on the things we can do, accomplish or complete.  The ability to be self reliant, and provide for ourselves and families, and do the things we like to do.  For me, not being able to drive was severely limiting!  I never realized how much I enjoy just being impulsive in my actions. Going to the store, taking the dog for a walk somewhere different, leaving for work, meeting up with a friend for coffee, going to school etcetera, etcetera. Managing my schedule by fitting it in to everyone else's was SO stressful that if prolonged too much longer I could easily see myself getting beat down. Lucky for me, I had an extraordinary support group.

The amazing grace that I have been supplied with in the form of family and friends who were willing to let me impose on them is a bounty. Rides to work (and home), doctor appointments, out for food, out to socialize...picking me up and dropping me off has been a chore for my amazing group. I can't thank them enough for it! I realize that this is a minor thing in the grand scope, but I guess I'm a little thick and it took me loosing my freedom for me to appreciate it, and all it does to make me so happy.

I am finding that in my life appreciation for all your maybes, could be, might be, are not nearly as important as the I ams, I have, and I cans. Self awarness and growth are rough roads to travel, but the focus and clarity gained are invaluable.

Happy trails!

Nature girl

Snore-ring

I think some of the silliest sounds in life are snores.

Every single person has a different snore. Wether you are sick, or you are prone to doing it naturally...like my dog...or if your head falls off the pillow. Everybody makes a different strangled noise! It's a miracle of biology and hystericly funny - unless you are trying to sleep next to the snorer.

What made me think of it was Percy.  He is curld up in my lap and he sounds like a trucker!! His little smooshed face makes him sore when dozing, but he is full in the throws of a dream and chainsaws have got nothing on him!

In my family alone I have three different snorers...including myself...and I feel like we should be categorized.

The heavy breathing snorer: This is not quite a full blown snore.  It can be anything from soft breathing to sounding like you are sucking air through a foam mat, lots of effort put in.

The logger:  (this is my favorite to listen to) smooth and rhythmic, this snore goes on for hours with no change in pitch or fluidity. I get the giggles with this one, because the sleeper is so completely out that you can poke, prod, or push them with no snoring changes!

Finaly there is the intermittant snorer: I swear that this is the most interesting one! The pace varries, the tone changes, or will stop without warning and all the while the person sleeps on unawares! Now I wake up if the wind starts blowing  so this method is beyond me, but it usually transfixes me with the variety.

Now let us be clear... snoring can be really disruptive, irritating, and downright aggrivating... but it's also really silly. And I mean REALLY silly!

Nature girl

Little blessings

This is Percy, he is my 55 lb. boxer pup...he is two years old and he thinks he is a lap dog.

Every night he jumps up into bed while the hubby reads and then dutifully hops down when the book closes and the light turns off. He reappears around 6:30 am (oh how I hate mornings!) when the hubby gets up for work and it's just me in piles of sheets and comforters.

Now, if you have ever had a dog, of ANY size, you know that they take up three times their actual size on a bed at any given time!  You could have a chihuahua and feel like you have a bull dog kicking you in the back as they dream.

I'm not quite sure how this transformation occurs but at night Percy is a loaf of bread, rolled up, round, and half his size.  But come the morning, I end up hugging the wall, sideways in bed, or with a handful of covers and a frozen tush because now there is a horse in the bed!

The funny thing is...I love it.

These cuddle puddle times with my pup, husband and a quiet time of the day (or night) are my favorites.  It seems like they quiet my soul, and allow me to be restful (which is no small task).  I can just lie still and listen to dog snores and the sounds of my own breathing.

If only I could bottle that restfulness... Nothing cures the doldrums like feeling loved, and puppy cuddles or kisses are just the thing!

Nature girl

Day one.

I feel like this is going to be a short one...

Today was Day 1 of P90X and I know this one is going to be a steep hill.  It was so difficult to do the whole 60 minutes that I modified or left out a lot of the stuff in the program. A little discouraging, but I am resolved to complete the program.

I had a shake and a granola bar for brekkis and somehow I feel like I am already doing better nutritionally than my cereal, scary right?  I'm a little hesitant about the diet changes, but I'm going to give it a go.  Hopefully no one gets hurt :)

I have a feeling I'm going to be totally sacked by tonight, but I'm trying to be positive...We will see :)

Nature girl

...a little twist...

This is my first blog in a few months. A lot has been going on and for the first time I feel like writing again.  Good thing...right? It seems that at the greatest times of change or strife in my life is when I feel like writing. I can't tell if it's narcissism, or an attempt at finding answers to my questions.

For my whole life I've been on the "fluffy" side which is a funny way of saying overweight. In the past few months I have slowly crept back toward the weight I was at the most unhappy point of my life, which isn't a great barometer for how happy I am, but there it is. 

Most of the time I am acutely aware of how blessed I am, how well supported, and how stable my life is, but at this time, all that is a little fuzzy. I still know all these things, but it seems a little removed from me.  I have decided that being "removed" from your blessings probably isn't a great way of living your life.  So on that premise I have decided to make a few changes.

First, I'm starting P90X.  I feel a little like that may be extreme  but I figure go all in or don't, right?  I'm dragging my darling hubby down this road with me, and as supportive as he is I feel he still thinks I'm a little crazy.  We've never done a structured work out routine past making sure the dog gets walked, and this may be above our heads but I'm making a commitment to 3 months.

Second, I want to be healthier and will be making a few changes to my diet.  But I have this relationship with sweets.  I feel like if I cut them out completely...someone is going to loose a limb. So I'm realistic about the things I can do, add a salad, drop a dessert here and there, and keep a food diary (my Fitbit Zip is going to help me there).  

Third, I'm committing to my blog to keep writing.  It might get a little squirly, and completely unrelated to this process, but it will be about the things I love to bring me back together, and in contact with all my blessings. I think that when you focus on the good things and address the things that make you pull away from joy, you can be clear about the beneficial parts of life.

Finally, I'm going to keep tabs on the changes on my life.  This seems like a strange one, but you know what the definition of insanity is right; Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Well I feel like I have been forcing life to conform to MY plan and just getting upset when that doesn't happen. Total surprise, right? Well if I pay attention, maybe I will solve the mystery of why my metaphorical crowbar is so worn down.

Keep up if you can, I feel like this is going to be the kind of roller coaster I hate; fast with big hills.

Nature girl

Nature Girl vs the life cycle

It has been a strange week for me.

I feel a little like a butterfly...in the most natural sense.  The emotional metamorphosis of this past week has been, at times, radical and quiet at the same time.  

The loss of a friend is an amazingly disturbing event. I have never attended a funeral of someone not family and I was surprised by the depth and intensity of the emotion.  Though thinking about it in retrospect, I shouldn't be shocked, friends are the family you choose.  No matter how close or distant the friendship may become, that voluntary tie binds fast.  

Spending time with my brother and sisters, blood and not, was very soothing. The affirmation of relationships and experiences was a healing balm during a rough time.  It's amazing to realize that the people who share your life stories have shaped you as a person.  Sometimes you get to tell them, and sometimes you don't, but the important thing is learning whatever they were supposed to teach you.

I have been spoiled by an abundance of remarkable people.  From the one taken far too soon ( who lived so fully that I'm not sure I can fill my remaining years with an equal amount of experiences), to one who embodies the idea of faithful at a surprisingly young age.  I have been taught to stretch my idea of the world, be flexible in my treatment of others, be loving without judgment, and have patience with my own life.  It is important to appreciate the arts, learn new things, fight for important things, and to identify family differently.

My family is the most fulfilling possesion I have - and it changes me (sometimes unknowingly) on a daily basis.  My blood relatives taught me respect, joy, faith, and stability. My "family of choice" taught me to be vibrant, fulfilled, steadfast, carefull, patient and attentive.  I am a conglomeration of family input, and all I can do is live out their grace, love, faith, and energy in a positive and energetic way.