The distance between me and my friends and family seems to be good for my relationships...weird right?
It seems that the closer you are to a situation or person the more you take it for granted. In the past few weeks I have realized that I didn't just move away from home, I moved out of that bubble that distorts your perception. Realizing just how much the people that I was lucky enough to have around me mean is a blessing. Their value has grown by leaps and bounds when I can't just drive to them for coffee. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" may not be such a antiquated phrase after all.
The silliest things make me think of the most random people back on the mainland! Steve has taken to the Passion fruit tea with 2 pumps of sweetener (that's a Mariah drink), and is obsessed with finding a way to get his Angels baseball (Scott, Steve, Mariah and I went to a game together)! We found this little place called Pho 1 ( I think about B&E, Megan and Jill and I at Chinese new year) and there is a store called Simply Organized (that's Jules...the most organized person I know) that I pass every day on my walk home from work. All these little reminders and a thousand others make me think of my loved ones, and people long gone from my life on a daily basis.
You may say that it's nostalgia and homesickness, but I truly feel that this is a way for me to process the true importance of people in my life. I have talked to my Dad more in the last four weeks then I did in the six weeks prior to leaving! It's as if removing the nearness and availability of people has let me look at my relationships with a clearer lense. Seeing which people and relationships are convenient and which are important and valuable. I am ashamed to say that some people I thought of as convenient are really valuable, and some that I poured effort into were only convenient.
Finding that I have a real overwhelming desire to be everyone's newest and dearest friend was a little bit of a shock. I always thought that I was thoughtful and deliberate in my friend group and that I was secure enough in myself to be discerning about what I needed in a support system...not so much, well, not as much as I thought. The great part about this realization is that I know it now; and I can cultivate those relationships that have fundamentally changed me, in a good way, going forward.
That doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly drop people from my life, I care for all my peeps, but I'm going to redirect my energy so that the people I love know it. People should know how important they are, by word and deed, because everyone should know their value, wether they are near or far.
...Nature girl
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Waiting
Waiting is what I feel like I've been doing for an unending amount of time. Let's just say that it's been a slow day at work. But aside from the lack of people to talk to today, I feel an undercurrent of anticipation lately.
Anticipation and waiting have always been tricky concepts for me, and they are intrinsically linked. Miriam Webster defines anticipation as a feeling of excitement about something that is going to happen, or the act of preparing. One has to anticipate and then wait for the event to occur for resolution.
I have never thought of myself as a naturally patient person. I have learned patience out of necessity, but the idea of knowing something is coming (anticipation) and staying put (waiting) until it happens makes no sense to me... I guess that's why I used to search out my Christmas and birthday presents when I was little. The process of learning, solving a puzzle, seeing a problem and solving it as quick as I can has always been the preferred path for me.
This move has challenged me and forced me into a place of anticipation. Nothing is set yet, there is no firmament from where I can push off and go about challenging, solving problems, and indulging my curiosity. I am waiting. This feeling of waiting for the rest of our lives to unfold like a rolled carpet creates a nervous anticipation that is "itchy" and I'm suppressing the urge to kick the roll to make it all happen faster!
Watching me go through this must be both comical and distressing for my very deliberate husband. My unending attempts to "nest" in our new apartment, the obsessive habits and hyper focus are almost useless in distracting me from the waiting, but I do it anyway to fill up the time. Somewhere in my rational mind I know that this anticipation can only last for so long before it is realized, but the patience to get to that point is, right now, in short supply.
And so I wait, unhappily, and with attitude...but I wait.
...Nature girl
Anticipation and waiting have always been tricky concepts for me, and they are intrinsically linked. Miriam Webster defines anticipation as a feeling of excitement about something that is going to happen, or the act of preparing. One has to anticipate and then wait for the event to occur for resolution.
I have never thought of myself as a naturally patient person. I have learned patience out of necessity, but the idea of knowing something is coming (anticipation) and staying put (waiting) until it happens makes no sense to me... I guess that's why I used to search out my Christmas and birthday presents when I was little. The process of learning, solving a puzzle, seeing a problem and solving it as quick as I can has always been the preferred path for me.
This move has challenged me and forced me into a place of anticipation. Nothing is set yet, there is no firmament from where I can push off and go about challenging, solving problems, and indulging my curiosity. I am waiting. This feeling of waiting for the rest of our lives to unfold like a rolled carpet creates a nervous anticipation that is "itchy" and I'm suppressing the urge to kick the roll to make it all happen faster!
Watching me go through this must be both comical and distressing for my very deliberate husband. My unending attempts to "nest" in our new apartment, the obsessive habits and hyper focus are almost useless in distracting me from the waiting, but I do it anyway to fill up the time. Somewhere in my rational mind I know that this anticipation can only last for so long before it is realized, but the patience to get to that point is, right now, in short supply.
And so I wait, unhappily, and with attitude...but I wait.
...Nature girl
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Feeling a bit....off....
Today is a strange day.
Oddly I feel that way a lot right now, but it's 11 o'clock here and I just feel like it's going to be an odd day. I have a lot of little things to take care of today and I feel sluggish to get them done. Four cop cars just screamed by and everyone here just stopped to watch them go by... it's just a strange day.
Sometimes I just feel like a lamp that isn't, quite, plugged in. A little glitchy, not quite fully plugged in and grasping for any extra power. But I don't think that there is anything causing this malaise, I think I just woke up fuzzy. I've been reading this book called "The 21 Day Conciousness Cleanse" and it's strange the things that it makes you think about.
For about a week and a half I've been thinking about my two best-friends from high school at least once a day. I meet people with their names or birthdates, see a trio of girls, or eat certain foods. Now thank goodness I've had a constant stream of support from friends and family regarding the move or I'd be stuck in the past! I don't know how they are doing or what they are up to past the basics of our shared friend group, but I still feel a strong connection to them. I wish them both nothing but happiness and stability, but sometimes I feel that connection and pull on my energies more than other times... it's a place that I still lose energy to after all these years.
It seems that there are people or events like this for everyone. Things that we can't quite let go of, people we wish we're closer, or events that marked our souls. The process of growing up and letting go, is an imperfect experience. I guess this is where the concept of regret comes from - wishing something had happened differently than it did. Love and peace and resolution are not things that come to people who did everything right the first time. They are gifts to be earned by those who did it wrong over and over until it was right...learning along the way.
...Nature girl
Oddly I feel that way a lot right now, but it's 11 o'clock here and I just feel like it's going to be an odd day. I have a lot of little things to take care of today and I feel sluggish to get them done. Four cop cars just screamed by and everyone here just stopped to watch them go by... it's just a strange day.
Sometimes I just feel like a lamp that isn't, quite, plugged in. A little glitchy, not quite fully plugged in and grasping for any extra power. But I don't think that there is anything causing this malaise, I think I just woke up fuzzy. I've been reading this book called "The 21 Day Conciousness Cleanse" and it's strange the things that it makes you think about.
For about a week and a half I've been thinking about my two best-friends from high school at least once a day. I meet people with their names or birthdates, see a trio of girls, or eat certain foods. Now thank goodness I've had a constant stream of support from friends and family regarding the move or I'd be stuck in the past! I don't know how they are doing or what they are up to past the basics of our shared friend group, but I still feel a strong connection to them. I wish them both nothing but happiness and stability, but sometimes I feel that connection and pull on my energies more than other times... it's a place that I still lose energy to after all these years.
It seems that there are people or events like this for everyone. Things that we can't quite let go of, people we wish we're closer, or events that marked our souls. The process of growing up and letting go, is an imperfect experience. I guess this is where the concept of regret comes from - wishing something had happened differently than it did. Love and peace and resolution are not things that come to people who did everything right the first time. They are gifts to be earned by those who did it wrong over and over until it was right...learning along the way.
...Nature girl
Moody blues
September 9, 2013
Well... today was not so good.
The puppy has had a growth on his paw for a while, and I thought it would be like his brother's bump and just fade away... It didn't. After pestering it long enough, he broke it open and had to go to the vet for an assessment. It's a growth and it has to come off, says the vet. And to make everything that much better (not) it seems that he is becoming worryingly aggressive and the vet recommends that we fix him. So there are two surgeries on his plate and I am far away in another state and can't be there for him-Yay!
...Nature girl
Saturday, September 7, 2013
The move
Aug. 27, 2013
You see, all of our stuff that we shipped from home just arrived! It has wedding gifts (never used), and clothes and sheets and all manor of fun stuff.
As I work my way through the bag of snacks and wait for my hubby to arrive, I am thinking that, somehow, everything has fallen into place so perfectly! I'm a big fan of a divine plan and I think that maybe...just maybe...we have stumbled our way into our corner of God's plan for us!
Though we are still sleeping on a blow up mattress, and don't yet have a table or chairs, it feels like things are gradually clicking into place. Keep thinking good thoughts for us and send prayers our way, it's obviously working!
...Nature girl
Current events
Sept. 07, 2013
Today I have a lot of writing to do, which is a little funny to me because I had paperwork up the wazoo yesterday! It seems that this is my lot right now.
Settling in to my new job has been stressful, it is completely different that what my heart tells me to do! It is meticulous, repetitive and rigid. Saying that, it also gives me a time to research, take care of things from the move and get us a little closer to being settled in this new environment. It also let's me write.
Right now I find that I am very distressed about our political foreign policies. If you know me, you know I am NOT a politico. I want to be left alone in my garden, loving people the way I was taught to, and enjoying life...barefoot if possible. But I firmly believe that we the people of this great country are being voted in to a war that the populace wants no part of.
Today I decided, after reading a message from a friend, that I would drag myself away from my hippie non-involvement and try to frame what has upset me so much. I sincerely feel that you cannot judge another for ANYTHING, before you are above reproach. Since that is an impossibility, no one person is perfect, and certainly no government is either, we need to "take care of our own house" before laying waste to someone else's.
The US has been at war since Sept. 11th, 2001, I was 21. I am now 32 and think of Sept. 11th like many may think of Pearl Harbor Day. It was the start of a change from peacetime to war, a total shift from how life had been the day before to how life will be going forward. I deeply and intrinsically object to the idea that war will be a part of my life that I cannot change going forward.
I reject the idea that in this great nation I can't say NO to a decision to start a new conflict on a passionate appeal with little factual evidence of responsibility. I will not blithely accept that my one day children will be born into a citizenship of war. What I want for my children, my nieces and nephews, and my friend's children is not to grow up hearing about a new conflict, a new obligation for our troops, or status on the current deployments!
My young life was peaceful with shocking points of tragedy; the Challenger disaster, Desert Storm, 9/11 - and removed tragedies like hurricanes, floods and earthquakes. Up until 9/11 life went back to normal after each shock.
I don't want my life and the lives of our children to have a lifetime of battle with moments of peace.
The pattern our government is developing is a dangerous one. One where instead of the security and prosperity of it's own people, it is more concerned with the "rightness", and responsibility of other nations. The government has a duty to it's people, to keep them safe and secure, and to uphold international laws with that same thought in mind.
I guess that means that I don't feel safe, I don't feel secure, I don't feel obligated to go charging in to a situation without the support of allies and without the assurances of who is responsible for this atrocity on civilian life. We are not, as a nation, obligated to be the "bad guy" and "discipline" another country for how it cares for OR abuses it's people.
People are tired, over-extended, out of work, and emotionally beat down... I see it every day. A new conflict out in the world will not help that, but staying out of it, CARING for each other, nurturing OUR economy, and cutting waste from government as a gardener pulls weeds (no matter how pretty) from the earth... that just might help.
...Nature girl
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Geographical Change
Again, it's been a while (kinda failed at that keeping up with the blog thing)...But I've been busy.
As it turns out, the hubby and I are moving to Hawai'i. His job is changing and as a result, so is our address!
Life has been filled with the stress of moving in a very short time frame, making sure the dog is going to be able to come, finding a place, selling cars, training for new jobs and all the while still staying a normal...sane...person. I can't say I've been all that successful on the last part.
This is the last day before the craziness really kicks in, and the idea of a calm before the storm is a myth! It has been non-stop since the news came down, and I find myself MAJORLY overwhelmed. The days that I am excited for this move are fewer and farther apart. I know that everything will be fine, but the process is just SO tiring.
My workout regime has gone the way of my old clothes and stuff we don't absolutely need, and my diet has gone to the wind as well. Not sure how I'm going to handle all this change. I keep telling people that if I make it to the island in one piece I will relax, but I'm not sure that I will. At this point it is ALL a wait and see kind of situation.
More to come...keep your fingers crossed.
Nature girl
As it turns out, the hubby and I are moving to Hawai'i. His job is changing and as a result, so is our address!
Life has been filled with the stress of moving in a very short time frame, making sure the dog is going to be able to come, finding a place, selling cars, training for new jobs and all the while still staying a normal...sane...person. I can't say I've been all that successful on the last part.
This is the last day before the craziness really kicks in, and the idea of a calm before the storm is a myth! It has been non-stop since the news came down, and I find myself MAJORLY overwhelmed. The days that I am excited for this move are fewer and farther apart. I know that everything will be fine, but the process is just SO tiring.
My workout regime has gone the way of my old clothes and stuff we don't absolutely need, and my diet has gone to the wind as well. Not sure how I'm going to handle all this change. I keep telling people that if I make it to the island in one piece I will relax, but I'm not sure that I will. At this point it is ALL a wait and see kind of situation.
More to come...keep your fingers crossed.
Nature girl
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